Whole Again

I think we all go through a phase where we are confused about what we want; what we want to achieve, who we want to spend our time with, what life we really want to live and that's okay.
It's okay to be scared sometimes and push away the people that really love you, as long as you know that once they are gone, they are really gone. It's something you have accept. As you grow and learn and change, people are going to go in and out of your life in a tremendous fashion, both long and fast. You will be shocked at the propensity for betrayal and egocentrism. You will amazed at the people that you thought that you knew or the people who said that they wanted to give it a go. But the best thing is to just move on.

Move on to the person who won't make you cry, who thinks about the fun things that you could discover together, the places you will go and the sights you will see. Move on to the person who holds you when you cry and wants nothing more than to be able to stop the tears. Move on to the person who inspires you to crave the grander things in life, but also to appreciate the little things and gestures. Move on to the person who will remember your birthday and plan something for just the two of you. Move on to the person who will be loyal and faithful to you and laugh at your jokes and ask about your day and let you rant and just listen. Because you deserve it. You deserve to have those things even if you don't know that's what you want.

We ask ourselves that question: "what do I want?" The simple answer is that we just want to feel whole again.

The One: Fact or Fiction?

A friend of mine said something last night that has stuck with me. I was telling him how I felt about this guy that I’ve been seeing and he asked me if he might be “the One”. Now it is way to early to tell or to be even thinking about that, but what shocked me was my reaction to what he said. 

I said “THAT DOESN’T EXIST”. 

I can hear the romantics dying of shock but I suppose there is a part of me deep down inside that has become disenchanted with the thought of “One”; the person that is supposed to complete you, the other half of your soul that you spend your whole life searching for. In the midst of the Nicholas Sparks and the happily ever afters of the world, it feels like all of it is just a bit of fancy, ethereal, other-worldly nonsense that Disney spits out every couple of years. 

So with that in mind, why would any of us date at all? If this is the general consensus, that the “One” is a figment of the imagination, are we all just looking for someone who we can stand being around for an extended period of time? Have we really given up on looking for the missing half of our hearts? Are we settling because we contend that the perfect one is not out there? 

You and I have seen them. The movies and shows that mock the women who choose to believe that there is just one perfect guy out there for them. They make her look a fool for believing that there is someone out there that can make her feel like she’s not alone in understanding that there should be some genteel left in the populous.  

So shall I believe in my happy ending once more? 

How We Should Treat Our Parents

I think that there is something that happens when we reach adolescence. It’s the feeling we get when we find something out about our parents that make them seem more human. You find out about an abortion, or that time when they were homeless or that they changed their major in college six times because they didn’t know what they wanted to do. 

You find out these things and you realize for the first time that your parents are really just people. They aren’t “super”, they don’t have magical powers or wands and all they want is the best for you, but sometimes they don’t what to do with you. It’s not a bad thing because children don’t come with manuals and they are all just doing the best that they can with what they have and whether they really wanted you or not, they wanted you in this world so they could love you. 

Now I have been guilty of disrespecting my parents, it’s not major things like getting pregnant out of wedlock or getting addicted to drugs, but it’s little things like getting upset when they try to tell me something or them asking me questions about what’s going on in my life and I shut them out. I think that I lost sight of the fact that when the chips are down and everyone else has abandoned you, the only people that have your back is your family. 

I want nothing more than to go back to the time when my mother and I were so close that she could read my mind. We were the kind of best friends that you would never see mad at each other. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to make her proud and when I felt like I failed at that, I didn’t want her to see how much of a failure I had become. I had a plan for my life and things started to change and I started to change and I never let her back into my bubble. 

So in addition to respecting your parents and letting them know what’s going on with you, you have to let them back into your bubble. You have to let them love you, even though you think that you have let them down and you don’t know what your next step is. Let them in on your journey; they are there for a reason. 

Innocuous 6am musings

It's 6 am and I'm still awake. After the day I have had, I cannot be told to sleep.
My stomach is rumbling and I am day-dreaming of the bacon waiting for me.
I'm sore from the fatigue of staying up all night.
I know my eyes will close soon and my thoughts will be filled with images of him.

I ask myself questions at this break of day.
What will fill my day?
What will be the reckoning?
Does it matter at all?
Maybe none it does and all things are non-existent.

I'm just tired so nothing makes sense. 

5 Things You Shouldn't Talk About on the First Date

These are things that you shouldn't talk about on a first date. However, somehow or another, if it's going really well, I tend not to care. This list is in no particular order; the order can be up to you.

1. Marriage

This is a biggie because you are meeting this person presumably for the first time. The point is to NOT scare them away. I can understand asking whether or not they believe in the sanctity of it or if they will do it in the future. I'm talking specifics.
DO NOT tell them that you want to be married at the Cinderella Castle.
DO NOT tell them when you expect to be married.
DO NOT tell them that you tried on wedding dresses the weekend prior.
Reasons for this should be obvious but allow me to explicate:
If you have an idea of where you like to tie the knot, that means that you have been thinking about it.
If you put a deadline on the marriage proposal, not only are you inexplicably putting pressure on them, but you are letting them know that you are desperate.
And telling any man that you were shopping for a dress that you have no reason to shop for just tells him that you are CRAZY.

2. Kids

I don't have kids so they don't come up in conversation because they don't exist. Mention them if you have them for the love of
Pete, but if you don't, there should be no mention of them on the first date.
DO NOT make comments about the child sitting in the high chair two tables over that is really well behaved, like "I can't wait to have one" or "I wonder what ours would look like".
DO NOT talk about the names of your imaginary children.
DO NOT tell them about how you would raise them.
Now based on where you are in life, mid-30's would make this topic acceptable because you are both at that point, but I am 21, and I normally date three years my senior or higher. SO...no.
If you make comments about how good your children with that person would look, you are implying that you will have sex with them and that you will want children rather quickly. The comments about the names means that you have put a considerable thought into the futures of these children. While this is good to do, it is not good to share that with someone you are meeting for the first time.

3. Deep Seated Political Beliefs

If you lean one or another, it doesn't matter, but if you have some weird thought process where you actually ask yourself "What about all the good things Hitler did?", DO NOT share that with anyone.
I will not explain why that is a bad idea. I will however say that if you don't think you would be able to get along with someone from the other side of the aisle, by all means share that information but nothing more.
NO pro-choice v pro-life debates
NO government spending discussions
NO talking about who you voted for last presidential election
It should be a given but it's not.

4. Details of and/or Problems with Work

Whether we love or hate what we do for money, it should be a footnote in the conversation of your date. This information should not be the most interesting thing about you. Most of us, myself included, have jobs where they can always be improving on, but whatever qualms or frustrations you have about your employment, they should NOT be vented to someone you've just met for any reason. They don't know the details of what you do, so it doesn't make any sense to tell them. One thing to realize is that it will be backfire because you have vented, they will want to reciprocate. Nothing is quite as bad as having to listen to someone whine about their day at work and how hard their job is. You have employment, you make money; if it's so bad, quit.


5. The Weather

If you are resorting to talking about how it's been raining for the past couple of days at the same time everyday, you have nothing to discuss and you should just leave the date.

Am I Falling?

Love feels a lot like falling.
There are countless books, poems, live shows explaining to the world what they presume to know about love, but I think because so many people have tried to explain it that maybe there is no explanation for it.
I've recently met someone and I wouldn't say it is love or much of anything yet, except for like-like. However, in him, I see the qualities that I had outlined in a letter I had addressed to myself nine years ago. I'm an old fashioned traditional girl; it's just how my parents raised me and he appeals to my sensibilities. Intelligent, Funny, Witty, Clever, God-fearing/loving, willing to learn new things and go on new adventures.
I find myself very wary of him. The reason being is that I don't think I ever thought that I would get everything on my list. As I get to know him, I don't try to think too hard about the list and what he fits or does not fit. He finishes my sandwiches and understands the importance of goofing off.
Everything feels right, never forced. I don't have to think of things to say or conversation starters; we just pick up where we left off like old friends with a ton of stories to tell and not enough time in the day.

When you meet someone, is it quick? Does your heart want to leap from your chest?