Whole Again

I think we all go through a phase where we are confused about what we want; what we want to achieve, who we want to spend our time with, what life we really want to live and that's okay.
It's okay to be scared sometimes and push away the people that really love you, as long as you know that once they are gone, they are really gone. It's something you have accept. As you grow and learn and change, people are going to go in and out of your life in a tremendous fashion, both long and fast. You will be shocked at the propensity for betrayal and egocentrism. You will amazed at the people that you thought that you knew or the people who said that they wanted to give it a go. But the best thing is to just move on.

Move on to the person who won't make you cry, who thinks about the fun things that you could discover together, the places you will go and the sights you will see. Move on to the person who holds you when you cry and wants nothing more than to be able to stop the tears. Move on to the person who inspires you to crave the grander things in life, but also to appreciate the little things and gestures. Move on to the person who will remember your birthday and plan something for just the two of you. Move on to the person who will be loyal and faithful to you and laugh at your jokes and ask about your day and let you rant and just listen. Because you deserve it. You deserve to have those things even if you don't know that's what you want.

We ask ourselves that question: "what do I want?" The simple answer is that we just want to feel whole again.

The One: Fact or Fiction?

A friend of mine said something last night that has stuck with me. I was telling him how I felt about this guy that I’ve been seeing and he asked me if he might be “the One”. Now it is way to early to tell or to be even thinking about that, but what shocked me was my reaction to what he said. 

I said “THAT DOESN’T EXIST”. 

I can hear the romantics dying of shock but I suppose there is a part of me deep down inside that has become disenchanted with the thought of “One”; the person that is supposed to complete you, the other half of your soul that you spend your whole life searching for. In the midst of the Nicholas Sparks and the happily ever afters of the world, it feels like all of it is just a bit of fancy, ethereal, other-worldly nonsense that Disney spits out every couple of years. 

So with that in mind, why would any of us date at all? If this is the general consensus, that the “One” is a figment of the imagination, are we all just looking for someone who we can stand being around for an extended period of time? Have we really given up on looking for the missing half of our hearts? Are we settling because we contend that the perfect one is not out there? 

You and I have seen them. The movies and shows that mock the women who choose to believe that there is just one perfect guy out there for them. They make her look a fool for believing that there is someone out there that can make her feel like she’s not alone in understanding that there should be some genteel left in the populous.  

So shall I believe in my happy ending once more? 

How We Should Treat Our Parents

I think that there is something that happens when we reach adolescence. It’s the feeling we get when we find something out about our parents that make them seem more human. You find out about an abortion, or that time when they were homeless or that they changed their major in college six times because they didn’t know what they wanted to do. 

You find out these things and you realize for the first time that your parents are really just people. They aren’t “super”, they don’t have magical powers or wands and all they want is the best for you, but sometimes they don’t what to do with you. It’s not a bad thing because children don’t come with manuals and they are all just doing the best that they can with what they have and whether they really wanted you or not, they wanted you in this world so they could love you. 

Now I have been guilty of disrespecting my parents, it’s not major things like getting pregnant out of wedlock or getting addicted to drugs, but it’s little things like getting upset when they try to tell me something or them asking me questions about what’s going on in my life and I shut them out. I think that I lost sight of the fact that when the chips are down and everyone else has abandoned you, the only people that have your back is your family. 

I want nothing more than to go back to the time when my mother and I were so close that she could read my mind. We were the kind of best friends that you would never see mad at each other. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to make her proud and when I felt like I failed at that, I didn’t want her to see how much of a failure I had become. I had a plan for my life and things started to change and I started to change and I never let her back into my bubble. 

So in addition to respecting your parents and letting them know what’s going on with you, you have to let them back into your bubble. You have to let them love you, even though you think that you have let them down and you don’t know what your next step is. Let them in on your journey; they are there for a reason. 

Innocuous 6am musings

It's 6 am and I'm still awake. After the day I have had, I cannot be told to sleep.
My stomach is rumbling and I am day-dreaming of the bacon waiting for me.
I'm sore from the fatigue of staying up all night.
I know my eyes will close soon and my thoughts will be filled with images of him.

I ask myself questions at this break of day.
What will fill my day?
What will be the reckoning?
Does it matter at all?
Maybe none it does and all things are non-existent.

I'm just tired so nothing makes sense. 

5 Things You Shouldn't Talk About on the First Date

These are things that you shouldn't talk about on a first date. However, somehow or another, if it's going really well, I tend not to care. This list is in no particular order; the order can be up to you.

1. Marriage

This is a biggie because you are meeting this person presumably for the first time. The point is to NOT scare them away. I can understand asking whether or not they believe in the sanctity of it or if they will do it in the future. I'm talking specifics.
DO NOT tell them that you want to be married at the Cinderella Castle.
DO NOT tell them when you expect to be married.
DO NOT tell them that you tried on wedding dresses the weekend prior.
Reasons for this should be obvious but allow me to explicate:
If you have an idea of where you like to tie the knot, that means that you have been thinking about it.
If you put a deadline on the marriage proposal, not only are you inexplicably putting pressure on them, but you are letting them know that you are desperate.
And telling any man that you were shopping for a dress that you have no reason to shop for just tells him that you are CRAZY.

2. Kids

I don't have kids so they don't come up in conversation because they don't exist. Mention them if you have them for the love of
Pete, but if you don't, there should be no mention of them on the first date.
DO NOT make comments about the child sitting in the high chair two tables over that is really well behaved, like "I can't wait to have one" or "I wonder what ours would look like".
DO NOT talk about the names of your imaginary children.
DO NOT tell them about how you would raise them.
Now based on where you are in life, mid-30's would make this topic acceptable because you are both at that point, but I am 21, and I normally date three years my senior or higher. SO...no.
If you make comments about how good your children with that person would look, you are implying that you will have sex with them and that you will want children rather quickly. The comments about the names means that you have put a considerable thought into the futures of these children. While this is good to do, it is not good to share that with someone you are meeting for the first time.

3. Deep Seated Political Beliefs

If you lean one or another, it doesn't matter, but if you have some weird thought process where you actually ask yourself "What about all the good things Hitler did?", DO NOT share that with anyone.
I will not explain why that is a bad idea. I will however say that if you don't think you would be able to get along with someone from the other side of the aisle, by all means share that information but nothing more.
NO pro-choice v pro-life debates
NO government spending discussions
NO talking about who you voted for last presidential election
It should be a given but it's not.

4. Details of and/or Problems with Work

Whether we love or hate what we do for money, it should be a footnote in the conversation of your date. This information should not be the most interesting thing about you. Most of us, myself included, have jobs where they can always be improving on, but whatever qualms or frustrations you have about your employment, they should NOT be vented to someone you've just met for any reason. They don't know the details of what you do, so it doesn't make any sense to tell them. One thing to realize is that it will be backfire because you have vented, they will want to reciprocate. Nothing is quite as bad as having to listen to someone whine about their day at work and how hard their job is. You have employment, you make money; if it's so bad, quit.


5. The Weather

If you are resorting to talking about how it's been raining for the past couple of days at the same time everyday, you have nothing to discuss and you should just leave the date.

Am I Falling?

Love feels a lot like falling.
There are countless books, poems, live shows explaining to the world what they presume to know about love, but I think because so many people have tried to explain it that maybe there is no explanation for it.
I've recently met someone and I wouldn't say it is love or much of anything yet, except for like-like. However, in him, I see the qualities that I had outlined in a letter I had addressed to myself nine years ago. I'm an old fashioned traditional girl; it's just how my parents raised me and he appeals to my sensibilities. Intelligent, Funny, Witty, Clever, God-fearing/loving, willing to learn new things and go on new adventures.
I find myself very wary of him. The reason being is that I don't think I ever thought that I would get everything on my list. As I get to know him, I don't try to think too hard about the list and what he fits or does not fit. He finishes my sandwiches and understands the importance of goofing off.
Everything feels right, never forced. I don't have to think of things to say or conversation starters; we just pick up where we left off like old friends with a ton of stories to tell and not enough time in the day.

When you meet someone, is it quick? Does your heart want to leap from your chest?

Online Dating

It is quite funny to me that there is still a stigma around online dating. It also seems like everyone and their mother has a profile on some dating website and yet, there is this embarrassment that surrounds it.

My logic is this: where are you going to meet people after you are done with school?
At your work? Of course not, there is sexual harassment laws for that.
At the grocery store? "Do you come here often?" Of course I do, I have to eat, don't I?
At the club? Yes, because you can find so many quality people drinking and wasting away there.
At church?  I suppose, however if you have been going to the same church for your whole life, chances are you have known everyone in that church their whole lives.

So for the young professional who finds themselves retreating online for the rest of their needs: social interaction, entertainment, shopping, etc, why not consult the internet for your potential mate?

Even if you aren't looking for a mate online, and are just looking for friends, when is the last time people met new people even though we see people that we have never seen before and will never see again everyday?

I have been seeing a guy I met online and I doubt I would have met his otherwise because even though we work ten minutes from one another, there isn't really a forum in which we could ever have encountered each other.

What about you? Are you embarrassed about having an online dating profile? If you have one, have you found success? 

"The Market"

This isn't meant to be a rant, but a question as to what we really think about the colloquialisms we use on the regular. To be "on the market" is to be out there, single, ready to mingle, but it really means the same thing as when a piece of produce or a slab of meat is on the market; we are to buy it, consume it, use it.

So do we see ourselves and our perspective mates as cattle or something equally as consumable and used? It would make sense in the age of the sayings, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"; if it must be explained: the "cow" in this instance would be the woman, and the "milk" would be the benefits of having a woman friend (I use euphemisms here because I do not wish to sound crude).

When we did that happen? When did we decide that it was okay to compare women to animals? I don't mean to make this a gender debate about equality, but just quickly while I'm on the topic, why the hell did anyone like the song "Blurred Lines", when it was clearly degrading to women?

Back to the topic at hand, I am not on "the market", nor will I ever be on "the market" for consumption.

So, do you actually think about what things mean or do you just say it?

5 Things You Shouldn't Post on Your Facebook Timeline

These are not in any particular order, though they do not annoy me equally. 

1. Cute couple things. 
I use the term "cute" but I don't mean it. I mean, Facebook is great and all for reconnecting with people from your past that were only meant to be a footnote in your future, but it is also a place where relationships go to die. 
On your timeline, everyone is judging you for the fact that you are proclaiming your undying love for someone you have only been dating for less than a month. And month-versary is NOT a thing. A year I understand but a month? Congratulations, you lasted a whole month without killing each other. 
When the relationship ends, you are forced to look back on those posts and see them for what they really are, permalinks of regret. 


2. Job complaints
Everyone has the occasional beef with their boss about something. They are your boss and you are their indentured servant five days a week. However, let me clear, you have a job. If you hate it so much, quit, so someone else who is a little more grateful for being able to pay his or her own bills can do so. 
Bear in mind, if you take your problems with the company to the web, they will find it. They will be pissed and they will find a way to sack you. 

3. Passive aggressive posts about exes or anyone 

You do realize that everyone knows who you are taking about, right? It's not hard to figure out. You've done everything but mention your name and you think you made some good points but for the love of goodness, you are better off buying a composition book from Staples, spilling your heart out in it and chucking it in a bonfire. 


4. What you will doing this weekend in painstaking detail. 

So on top of trying to make the whole world jealous that you actually have plans this weekend, you are going to use Facebook check-in (I don't think anyone even remembers what four square is) to make sure I know EXACTLY where you are at that moment. 
But you know what that also means, you are not at your apartment, house or industrial space. If I really wanted to rob you, I suppose I could. I mean have you seen that movie, you would be really a little more careful.  


5. Pictures from your vacation. 

Not only do I not care that you were in the Caribbean, I care even less to see you in a swimsuit that you are sucking you tummy in to be photographed in. You look great, however after the first 50 photos, everyone else who did care at one point, just stopped. I don’t mean that the profile picture can’t be updated and all that jazz, but taking pictures of inanimate objects that mean nothing and posting hundreds of them is just ridiculous. It’s almost cruel to inflict that on internet. 

So there you have it, the five things that you shouldn’t post on the internet, here’s to hoping that you think before you post. 

Why I Said No

It's a been a while since I have written anything at all. It's been two years, but hopefully not all of my fans have left me. I am picking up where I left off. I suppose what would be the simplest to do would be to tell you all about what I have been doing for the past two years. What I've gone, what I've lost, gained. I don't know what to tell you all, but I do have something I want to share.

Recently I've been seeing someone, we will not name names here. I find that it's better that way. I have been "dating" him and there is nothing quite as interesting as understanding what that exactly means nowadays. I know I sound old-fashioned but that's the way that I seem to be. Anyway, this morning, over brunch, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Now, to a lot of people that doesn't mean a lot, it's basically a word that we slap on in hopes that the person we give this title to will be exclusive to us. What people fail to realize is that it is training wheels. 

We all hope as women that someday there will be a man who loves you enough to go there. To call you his fiancee, his wife, the mother to his children, and those are all phases that we hope to go through. However, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that most of it is just a game. I know that I sound cynical, but we go through the motions of being someone's girlfriend, someone's property, someone's one and only, only to realize that person had no intention of helping you go through the phases. 

So why date? If marriage isn't the end goal, if we aren't going to talk about it until we have been together three years and we now realize that we are on completely different pages, why do it at all? Why invest the energy, time, effort, money into something that has no future? 

Sometimes things aren't broken, sometimes they were never fixed in the first place. 

So I said no, and that doesn't mean that I don't care about him; it means I care about him too much to jump into something that could work instead of waiting on that will work. 

What do you think? What does "girlfriend" mean to you? Leave a comment in the comment section below. 

Fears.

There is nothing that I have written worthwhile in the past two years that I have been with my current significant other. Now, I'm not talking about the things that I write on here. There are current the ramblings of a modern girl in a post-modern time, where we write in broken English and use symbols to convey our feelings about a situation. I mean that I haven't written anything creative. Instead of using my time like that, I have been more productive (which may or may not work out in the long run).
Anyway, I know that not many people will read this, and in fact, probably none of you, but I have this fear that, tomorrow when I get in my car, I won't be able to drive it. I know that I am allowed to do it by myself but I am so afraid. So how do I get over that?
How come so many people can do it and I can't?


I know that this is a short post but hopefully, in the comments below, you can share with me your fears. 

Blogger app for iOS and Android - Disappointing

Perhaps this is the right place to complain about it, perhaps not, but I feel like Google has abandoned the mobile app for Blogger. There has only ever been one update and for a casual blogger like me, I don't want to fuss with html. This is not mySpace. I would like to see a lot of things change. I have decided to detail them here, maybe something will be done but after three years, I doubt it.

1. Tablet support.
This only applies to the iOS version of the app. It is currently only available for the iPhone, which is just bogus. Looking at WordPress, I know that it is possible to make an app that is universal and takes into account the statistics that help bloggers create user-centered content.

2. Stats Support
I like seeing how many people look at a certain post, so that I can try to make more of that kind of stuff. It doesn't matter to see those kind of things on an iPhone application but seeing it on the iPad makes a lot of difference for those who use their iPad because they want to ditch their laptop.

3. The UI and functionality needs help
It doesn't make sense to have buttons that say back but that go to the main menu. The navigation is clunky and I wouldn't mind paying an application that is smoother.

I just don't understand why the application is lacking so much. It doesn't make sense and this is not what I expect from Google in any way, shape or form. If I could rate it, It would not even get two stars.

The first post of the Summer

So here it is, summer.

The truth is that I'm becoming more and more afraid of time. I know that this is supposed to be a tech blog. In truth, I have no idea what I want to do with this thing. It seems like it is my summer hobby, but seeing as my summer started about eight weeks ago, I would say that I'm slacking a bit. I suppose it doesn't help that I started my first job a while ago.

I want to tell you a little bit about what happened to me the past year.
1. I have succeeding in changing my major.
2. I still haven't upgraded to OS X Lion, which I guess doesn't make because Mountain Lion is coming out in a few months anyway.
3. I have aged.
4. I have gotten into Korean Dramas. I think that they are awesome and I can now say six or seven phrases in Korea, which actually helps at my job.
5. I am the proud owner of an iPhone 4s. Everyone who has heard complain about for the past six months is happy about it.
6. I'm a senior in college now.
(That last sentence scared the crap out of me.)

Anyway, that's pretty much it.

Later on, I was thinking about posting my favourite apps thus far downloaded.
Look out for it. 

Valentine's Day: Things to Consider

You have been dating for a while or perhaps only a couple weeks and Valentine's day is coming up. If this is your first Valentine's Day as a couple, you might want to think about a few things before you start planning a day out or a night in.

First, Know your limitations: You should know whether or not you can afford a four to Five star restaurant or a hotel room by looking at your budget. College is a very stressful time already, which shouldn't be aggitated by grand expenditures. If that isn't the kind of thing, that your significant other is into, you just wasted a bunch of money.

Second, Know the Expectations. Perhaps you are thinking about something very simple, maybe a picnic in the park or a hike through the woods. If your significant other is not into the outdoors and expects a fancy dinner with all the trimmings, that needs to be discussed before you take her out into the middle of nowhere.

Thirdly, Understand the Romance, Not every girl wants to swept off her feet, like in the Notebook. Know what your individual significant other finds stimulating and give them that. Give special thought to her interests, if she is a theatre geek, like me, take out to see a local troupe perform a play or musical.

And Lastly, Understand that it is not just about that other person, it is about you too. It is never good to just think of the other person, the fact is that Valentine's Day is supposed to be a celebration of the relationship, which consists of the both of you. Hopefully, you and your other can sit down and discuss the perfect date. Discussing it makes it better for both of you; it may take out the surprise of it all, but there will be plenty of time for surprises when you both know what the other really wants.

LDR - Loneliness

“I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.” 
― Augusten Burroughs, Dry

In the recent week, I have returned to college. What that means for me is that I leave my significant other behind in my hometown. This city that I speak of is only two hours away and some would argue (although I don't know why) that I am not in a long distance relationship or an LDR. The truth is the frequency in which we see each other is comparable to some people living in different states. I have also recently discovered that I am feeling the effects of this long distance. I am feeling lonely, isolated, misunderstood, and a little bit abandoned, even though I am the one who left.
I know that there are other people out there is similar situations, so I'm asking for your help. I feel like I'm all alone but I know that I'm not. How do you deal with it? How do you go about your daily lives and not retreat back into bed and cry? Please comment below.

iPhone 5 vs. EVO 4g

I have for the past 4 months gone on about the supremacy of Android over the iPhone. However, as an owner of the Evo 4g from Sprint, I have experienced a few difficulties, which I'm sure all of you have heard (the short battery life, the too-large screen, the uncomfortableness to hold in one hand, etc.). I am not saying that this phone is a bad phone, in fact, the Evo has repeatedly beat phones that try to match up with it in the CNET showdown. Nevertheless, after a year and a half of frustration, I learned that the iPhone is coming to Sprint next month. With this new information, I face a dilemma. I have spent the past few years of my life, telling people and writing here that there is no reason to get an iPhone, or that if one doesn't have one and has a Mac, it isn't necessary to switch. That I believe isn't so true anymore.

Don't mistake this as a sheep kind of thing, that just because it will become available on my carrier, I need an iPhone now. I am simply weighing my options with a new and revamped version of the phone that I have been bashing. (Maybe bashing isn't the right word for it). In any case, I have looked at the new iOS, (don't ask me how), and I have seen advances that I could possibly get behind. However, how does one go about switching?

The question that I have been asking myself is, what if the problems that I find with the force closing and the freezing, is me? What if the problem is me? I have gone through 11 phones in my eight years of cell phone using. And if the problem is me, will a shiny new phone fix all the problems?

The iPhone definitely has something to offer with the new iOS 5, however these are features that Android  has had for a while and if one was to look at this simply, why fix what really isn't broken?

What I'm really asking for is help.  

Back to School Mac Applications

I'm in the process of back to school shopping and I think what bothers me the most about it, is that the things that are on sale are things that you don't really need. As a college student, you don't really need a binder or a notebook because you have a laptop. While some professors tell you not to use laptops in their class, they are few and far between. So, I would like to aid you, if you have a Mac (I think I'll release a PC version of this article soon), here are a few programs that you can use if you are feeling like you need a little organization for back to school.

1. Evernote (Free!)

I know I have spoken great praises about this program before in my post about the 5 Best Mac / Android Sync Apps; however, It has been very beneficial to me when I have needed to do research for a project, or even share notes with a classmate. It is set up into Notebooks, which in turn have Notes, like a notebook would have pages. The best thing about it is the versatility of it, there are plugins for the most popular browsers and applications for both PC and Mac and various mobile devices. A new feature that has been added with the newest update is audio notes, which makes recording lectures a breeze, letting one type notes, and fill in the rest later when reviewing.

2. Circus Ponies' Notebook (29.99, special education pricing)

Though it doesn't sync with anything but the iPhone, it is still a great notebook, with features such as search and a index that keeps track of the words used and in what quantity, and other great things. With a two different ways to search, this notebook is higher preferable to paper, because of the sheer ease of the search and of the organization. Instead of running out of paper when you make sections for each class in a five subject notebook, there is limitless space, (well as much as your hard drive can handle). With features, like sticky notes and graph making, it really is as handy as a real paper notebook, without the hassle of losing it, because of the auto save feature.

3. Opus Domini (8.99, Mac App Store)

This personal planner sync with iCal and gives one a place to plan out projects and goals. There is a lite (free) version of it as well, but they are pretty much the same thing. There is a section of blank space on each day which allows you take notes, write reminders for later, or anything else you want to do. It looks like a planner, and you will feel more organized when you use it.





4. Stickies (Comes with the Mac)

The little sticky notes can take permanent residence on your desktop, as a constant reminder of whatever it is that you need to do. You can make them into different colors and different sizes. I was never a big fan of sticky notes because they could never quite stick to the places that I wanted them to. Not sticky enough. However, this is perfect. Especially because it doesn't take up much RAM, which means that you have as many notes on your desktop as you want.

Because I'm not a PC user, I want to know what, you who are, use.
Post in the comments about applications that you have found that have helped you get organized over the years. The best ones will be featured in the next post. 

Hiatus

I know that I have abandoned this blog, but I don't mean to. Things are very hectic for me and for the longest, I have wanted to finish something that I have started. Since I hope that I will keep on living, I will keep on writing. However, I have a lot of stuff of my plate. Getting ready for law school, figuring out what I really want to accomplish with my life. I think the hardest thing out of all of this is trying keep true to my creative side, which has recently been lost in the research papers and homework. So I think that for that moment, I will take a hiatus. When I have time, I will write and perhaps I will try to make it a weekly thing at least. I was really trying to do it everyday, as you can see, but I just couldn't do it.

I hope that you subscribe to my blog, so that you can read the occasional tidbit or clever rant or tangent. I hope that you don't give up on me and do read what I have written. In the meantime, I will be going to school and overwhelming myself to the greatest extent.

Pray for me, readers, or whatever it is that you do, to whomever it is you will.
And I will return the favor, like I always have and always will.

My New Found Gamer Girl Title

I started dating this guy about a year ago and at the time, I wasn't completely aware of his Gamer status or that he was even into those sort of things. I just thought that he was like most people that I knew who were his age. I knew no one his age, however, as our relationship grew, I wanted to do more things with him that interested him. So I downloaded Steam, which is a gaming platform; it caters mostly to the PC gamers, as there are only 100 games for the Mac users. All of the games offered for Mac are also available for PC, under a category called Steam Play. The only problem with the Mac games is that there aren't very many games and of those games they are either from the really big production companies or very kiddish.

Recently, there has been a huge sale on entire catalogs from production companies. Last sunday being the last day for such sales. However, I feel like I have discovered a new part of myself. I don't know if that is a particularly good thing. There is a feature of Steam called the Steam Rating and it is a rating based on how many hours a user plays every two weeks. I'm at a 8.5 out of 10.

I'm talking in the gamer lingo, which scares me. At the same time, I am at a point that I can hang out with my boyfriend without having to be in the same room as him, and this is a good thing because I'm moving away in a few weeks.

Check out Steam, especially the sales.

I am a photo enthusiast. I started another blog, called What I intended, which I haven't been updating. So, I will be posting pictures, here with my ramblings, rants and other tangents. Starting with this one. This is a church in Downtown Ottawa. I took this from the back seat of a Mazda 6 going 40 kilometers an hour.

This photo hasn't been altered in any way.