Whole Again

I think we all go through a phase where we are confused about what we want; what we want to achieve, who we want to spend our time with, what life we really want to live and that's okay.
It's okay to be scared sometimes and push away the people that really love you, as long as you know that once they are gone, they are really gone. It's something you have accept. As you grow and learn and change, people are going to go in and out of your life in a tremendous fashion, both long and fast. You will be shocked at the propensity for betrayal and egocentrism. You will amazed at the people that you thought that you knew or the people who said that they wanted to give it a go. But the best thing is to just move on.

Move on to the person who won't make you cry, who thinks about the fun things that you could discover together, the places you will go and the sights you will see. Move on to the person who holds you when you cry and wants nothing more than to be able to stop the tears. Move on to the person who inspires you to crave the grander things in life, but also to appreciate the little things and gestures. Move on to the person who will remember your birthday and plan something for just the two of you. Move on to the person who will be loyal and faithful to you and laugh at your jokes and ask about your day and let you rant and just listen. Because you deserve it. You deserve to have those things even if you don't know that's what you want.

We ask ourselves that question: "what do I want?" The simple answer is that we just want to feel whole again.

The One: Fact or Fiction?

A friend of mine said something last night that has stuck with me. I was telling him how I felt about this guy that I’ve been seeing and he asked me if he might be “the One”. Now it is way to early to tell or to be even thinking about that, but what shocked me was my reaction to what he said. 

I said “THAT DOESN’T EXIST”. 

I can hear the romantics dying of shock but I suppose there is a part of me deep down inside that has become disenchanted with the thought of “One”; the person that is supposed to complete you, the other half of your soul that you spend your whole life searching for. In the midst of the Nicholas Sparks and the happily ever afters of the world, it feels like all of it is just a bit of fancy, ethereal, other-worldly nonsense that Disney spits out every couple of years. 

So with that in mind, why would any of us date at all? If this is the general consensus, that the “One” is a figment of the imagination, are we all just looking for someone who we can stand being around for an extended period of time? Have we really given up on looking for the missing half of our hearts? Are we settling because we contend that the perfect one is not out there? 

You and I have seen them. The movies and shows that mock the women who choose to believe that there is just one perfect guy out there for them. They make her look a fool for believing that there is someone out there that can make her feel like she’s not alone in understanding that there should be some genteel left in the populous.  

So shall I believe in my happy ending once more? 

How We Should Treat Our Parents

I think that there is something that happens when we reach adolescence. It’s the feeling we get when we find something out about our parents that make them seem more human. You find out about an abortion, or that time when they were homeless or that they changed their major in college six times because they didn’t know what they wanted to do. 

You find out these things and you realize for the first time that your parents are really just people. They aren’t “super”, they don’t have magical powers or wands and all they want is the best for you, but sometimes they don’t what to do with you. It’s not a bad thing because children don’t come with manuals and they are all just doing the best that they can with what they have and whether they really wanted you or not, they wanted you in this world so they could love you. 

Now I have been guilty of disrespecting my parents, it’s not major things like getting pregnant out of wedlock or getting addicted to drugs, but it’s little things like getting upset when they try to tell me something or them asking me questions about what’s going on in my life and I shut them out. I think that I lost sight of the fact that when the chips are down and everyone else has abandoned you, the only people that have your back is your family. 

I want nothing more than to go back to the time when my mother and I were so close that she could read my mind. We were the kind of best friends that you would never see mad at each other. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to make her proud and when I felt like I failed at that, I didn’t want her to see how much of a failure I had become. I had a plan for my life and things started to change and I started to change and I never let her back into my bubble. 

So in addition to respecting your parents and letting them know what’s going on with you, you have to let them back into your bubble. You have to let them love you, even though you think that you have let them down and you don’t know what your next step is. Let them in on your journey; they are there for a reason. 

Innocuous 6am musings

It's 6 am and I'm still awake. After the day I have had, I cannot be told to sleep.
My stomach is rumbling and I am day-dreaming of the bacon waiting for me.
I'm sore from the fatigue of staying up all night.
I know my eyes will close soon and my thoughts will be filled with images of him.

I ask myself questions at this break of day.
What will fill my day?
What will be the reckoning?
Does it matter at all?
Maybe none it does and all things are non-existent.

I'm just tired so nothing makes sense.